Mar. 14th, 2016

ethnicroadkill: (Alis Landale)
I'm randomly really sad tonight. I was going to go to bed at 1 AM (It's now 2 AM as I write this post.) and I just can't help but be upset about my life and circumstances. I don't want to detail it here, since I just ranted in the mirror at myself (It's weird, I looked at myself and thought I look really handsome. Yeah, weird.) for 30 minutes about it. But I'm just so, so sad. Every time I try to bring positive energy in my life, it gets immediately squashed. And the more I desperately claw to make a life for myself, the more it just gets taken from me. It feels like I'm not going to get anywhere, like whenever I make plans, I'm actually trying to convince myself rather than just detail something to others or reconfirm it with myself.

I busy myself with video games and anime and shit that doesn't matter and for what? It hurts. Everything hurts. I don't want it to anymore.

I want to experience life and have a boyfriend. I want to be skinny and pretty and have connections to people and not just live my entire life on the internet. I love you all, I really do, but it comes to a point where I need time away from the screen, and it just hurts so badly as the realization weighs heavy that the hobbies I started in between real life have now become my life.

I'm not going to get out of here without hard work. I keep telling myself "I can do it." I repeat Aya's words the first time she Overdived into the past, "I can do it." That mantra working for me is my only wish.

Maybe I'll go see if there are any used dolls for sale I can dote over and tidy up. I haven't the foggiest of what I would do with them though.

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ethnicroadkill

March 2017

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