ethnicroadkill: (Default)
- Kiki
- Seed Money
- Bear Nation
- Coming Out Under Fire
- The Celluloid Closet
- I Am Divine
- Gay Sex in the 70's 
ethnicroadkill: (Shiva)
I don't want them to see you.

While they can't see you, you're my shining patch of warm sunlight in an otherwise cold, dark existence. An amazing scent, a fuzzy chest. Strong hands, kind voice, beautiful face.

But they love to take things that make me happy.

Everything I've ever had, they've taken and taken and taken until they can't take any more, and all that's left is the bones.

If they see you, they'll know the happiness you bring me, and they'll try to take you, too.

I don't want them to see you. You're the best thing I have.
ethnicroadkill: (Alis Landale)
- Quest bought me a microSD card for my new phone so I can take pictures.
- Gidierre revamped his entire Tomb Raider I installation mod so I could have it working how Nick likes.
- Some kind stranger named Sylux bought me Metroid: Zero Mission out of the goodness of their heart.

Despite all the evils in the world, all the bad that happens... I believe people are generally good.
ethnicroadkill: (Sailor Moon)
So, I decided to play Metroid: Other M. I beat it and here are my impressions.

ethnicroadkill: (Liir Ko x Trism bon Cavalish)
Yesterday morning on the bus, I was reflecting on how far I've come. I went from a lost, anxious, scared, and confused little boy to being a confident, capable, driven leader of a man.

There's a guy in my life now. I've been seeing him since June. I think back on the times when I'd hate my body and lay around feeling lower than shit, convinced I would never find a man who loved me. And here I've found a beautiful, kind gentleman, in my tiny midwestern town, in real life, and we share so many hobbies and our personalities mesh so well. I wouldn't say I'm in love--I still don't know important things like his beliefs, his likes and dislikes, his outlook on life--but I do love him. And he loves me, though again, he isn't in love with me at this point.

Lana Del Rey's song Video Games comes to mind when I think of him. It may not be about being in love, but tonally and lyrics-wise it reminds me of him.

"Heaven is a place on Earth with you
Tell me all the things you wanna do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
And baby, now you do"

I wish I could go back in time and hold that boy I used to be. Kiss him on the forehead and tell him it will be OK. Years from now, I guarantee for a fact that you will find someone and he'll kiss you and help you out a little, and it'll be better than you ever even knew. Life may not be constant happiness--some of the things you learned about life was a lie. But you will eventually find bright, gleaming rays of sunshine to relentlessly pierce its unending darkness.
ethnicroadkill: (Alis Landale)
Shoulda updated earlier than this, but hey.

I started school and in 2 weeks I get my financial aid refund. Math is hell and IT is boring, but I'm working toward my degree and employability, so I'm working through it. I am not helpless. I had to drop group therapy on Wednesday as a result of my class times though. My PS3 controller officially shit itself but a friend gave me a new one for free! I beat Super Metroid, started Metroid Fusion, and started re-watching Utena. I also started Silent Hill and beat a few other games too, like Secret of Mana and Uncharted 3. I don't remember exactly everything I beat though.

I got my temporary driver license! I passed on the first try. I went out driving once and it was cool; I wasn't nervous. But my father's car's brake line was leaking fluid so it had to be taken to a shop to be fixed. Ugh. I wish this had happened closer to refund day so I could help with the groceries, but that's life. I feel bad for my father though.

We had a major flea problem that's gotten a lot less bad thanks to me. I washed the animals and deep-cleaned the floors. Sometimes fleas cling to my socks as I walk around the house but it isn't half as bad as it used to be.

I found out my cat is 12 and my dog is 9! What the fuck? My little brothers are so old... The dog, Petey, was a big surprise for me since he still acts like he's 6 or 7. I also found out what breeds they are. Bela is a grey manx cat with an unfortunately cropped tail, and Petey is an albino American Staffordshire bull terrier. I love them.

There's nothing else really new for me. That's life in a nutshell.
ethnicroadkill: (Radical Dreamers)
I've been reflecting on how far I've come lately. I am nothing like the scared little child several years ago. I'm confident, smart, capable, hardworking, and most of all, not helpless. I got back into college on my own. I got my driver temps on my own. I made friends, went to therapy, got insurance on my own. I met a guy on my own.

This is me. This is my life. I can do it. I've been able to do it all along. And now I see that and I'm living life.

And yes, I did get my temps and I am back in college starting September 6th! I'm very excited!
ethnicroadkill: (Lara Croft (1))
I'm so stoked!! I've been waiting for the PlayStation 4 version of Rise of the Tomb Raider to be announced and we finally got info. It'll come with all currently-released DLC on disc, and with its launch will come new DLC for PC and Xbox One as well! Not Xbox 360 users, though, which is unfortunate. Here's the info graphic that was released by Crystal Dynamics:

(Note to self: To put images directly in posts, you just need to do this: img src="link" in surrounding lesser than/greater than signs. Let's hope I remember!)
ethnicroadkill: (Lara Croft (2))
I went to Pride yesterday. I was carrying a sign in solidarity of the Pulse shootings, but it was so breezy and my sign was so flimsy. It got ruined. I did have a good time though. I can't say it was life-changing but Gean made it! She got to see her first drag show. Ladies that go by Revenea, Kayla Nicole Devaroe, Remy, and Tequila Rose were our favorites. I also got to see Angel Face Devaroe and Jasmine Roberts perform again! I saw a dude who looked exactly like me, but ten years older. Heh.

I got the 2016 Pride wristband too! It's in neon colors and has pink in it. So cute! Gean bought me and her some Wendy's. One jr. cheeseburger and a chocolate Frosty for her, and two jr. cheeseburgers and a value-size soda for me. I got some orange Coca Cola, it was very good!

What else happened...? Not much, honestly. Not much I can talk about, at least. I've been playing Raid Mode in Resident Evil: Revelations 2 again. Enjoying it a lot, as usual. Claire got to LV 100! I'm planning on maxing out her skills and letting others inherit it, then I'll switch to Jill. After her, Moira or Chris, not sure. I dunno if I'm even going to be playing Raid Mode in RE: Revelations 2 that long. Hahaha!

I'm also in the middle of Super Metroid, as I have started that series. I'm about to face off against Ridley... not keen on it. He seems like he'll be tough. I'm going to play the five core games, Metroid, (Beaten, used the Metroid + Saving mod.) Metroid II: Return of Samus, (Beaten, using the Metroid II DX colorized mod.) Super Metroid, (Currently on, using no mods.) Metroid: Fusion, and Metroid: Zero Mission. (The last two on that list will also use no mods.) I'm stopping at that, though. I'll be playing some Metroid fan-games based off of the original game engines, but that's it.

Another game I just got back to today is The Legend of Heroes: Trails in the Sky. I'm enjoying it so far. I really need to get back to the games that I've started that I've just stopped playing for no reason. Someday soon!

I should grind more in Tales of Symphonia. 24 Dragons to kill and I'll be able to afford all the weapons I want from the rebuilt Luin.

My sister is on vacation this week. I need to make sure to feed her poor little kitty cat!

I ended up leaving that little Twitch group I was in. I... I don't miss them. I really thought I would, but I don't. I feel bad, but at the same time, I think I made the right choice. I know I did. I don't think I'm going to go back.

That's about it from me. How are you guys? Please let me know! ♥ Wishing the best for you.
ethnicroadkill: (Maki Sonomura)
I went to my sister's friend's house for the 4th. We could see the fireworks from her back porch, which was nice. I wanted to head home and nap, but I only slept for like two hours. Hm. I might wind up falling back to sleep later, not sure. I desperately need to fix my sleep schedule though...
ethnicroadkill: (Alis Landale)
Anyone else ever get into a mood where you just don't wanna do anything, but you're out of things to do on the internet? I could read or play a game but I just feel... kind of unfocused right now since those aren't things I want to do.
ethnicroadkill: (Aya Brea)
The fact that I'm getting so close to another internet clique actually kind of frightens me.

I think I'm going to pull away from them for a little bit. Not forever, but just increase the distance again.
ethnicroadkill: (Liir Ko x Trism bon Cavalish)
Gean got to come over yesterday. We played Zombies Ate My Neighbors together and had tons of fun! At this point, she kindly ordered us Chinese food. And then we tried to play Super Mario Bros., but we had to run to the ATM because she forgot to withdraw money. We made it back just in time to see the nice delivery man come up with our food. She got a crispy chicken and I got General Tso's Chicken, but we mixed up our orders and she got mine and I got hers... but they were basically the same thing, I think? My sauce was a little bit spicier, her chicken was crispier, and my rice had broccoli in it. Other than that, they were the same. Gean is cool with spice, so she didn't care.

After that, she saw episode 1 of Sailor Moon Crystal for the first time and tried classic Tomb Raider. Though at first the tank controls were killing her, she was getting the hang of it! She got a couple of jumps all by herself and understood how combat was supposed to work right away. I was pretty impressed.

We talked about boys, and sex, and our lives, and joked around. I got to educate her about circumcision, which was great; it feels amazing to educate people about issues they didn't know about and have hard facts at your disposal to back you up. The visit was really nice. I hardcore missed her when she left...

We've decided we're going to Pride next month together. It starts July 17th at 11 AM. Which reminds me--the Orlando tragedy. It was horrifying to hear about. I was ignoring it at first since I thought it was just another shooting in America--yeah, fucked up, but you gotta kinda become inured to these things when it happens so often--until I heard people were still going on about it and I looked into it. When I found out it was my people who had been specifically targeted, I was mentally annihilated.

Later on that day, I remembered God Help the Outcasts from Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame. And so I made a sign with some of the lyrics on it to hold up at Pride. It's a shitty sign just made of chalk and cardboard, but I've gotten nothing but compliments on it from my friends. I dunno though. But I guess revolutionaries always never know about their signs when they make them.

Well, let's get off that heavy subject.

Somehow, the Tomb Raider series magically works again on my PC? I... don't know how. I thought it was a graphics card problem, meaning it's a physical issue. But FMVs work in TRII through V, and Tomb Raider I, and presumably Unfinished Business, no longer crashes. So... I dunno. I'm just gonna count my fucking blessings.

I've been trying to play Secret of Mana and I am honestly just not feeling it. It suffers from MMO syndrome, in that it's far too grindy and your reward for grinding is another grind. I'm just so done with it. It's probably a better experience when playing with a couple of friends.

Today, I'm going to go to the store and get some more things to prepare for summertime and Pride. (Gotta get my rainbow candy dildos. Totally. Yup. 100%. All the time.) Later on, I'm going to come home and enjoy Tomb Raider I on PC for the first time in a long time... and then make myself get back to writing Phantasy Star Generation:2's walkthrough.
ethnicroadkill: (Jill Valentine)
- Final Fantasy XII: The Zodiac Age was announced for 2017 release. It's coming to PS4, and probably Steam as well. Super exciting! I hope it includes both the Zodiac Job License Boards as well as the vanilla global License Board.

- Job hunting is not going well. I have a lead on a job but I haven't received a call back. I'm considering trying to call this Wednesday. Note to self: call the medical taxi for group therapy after writing this. I have to go downstairs to take my dirty dishes down anyway, so I can grab the phone then.

- Still working on a guide for Phantasy Star Generation:2. I finished the Clear Game quest, and the results make your team super overpowered. It makes sense now as to why it's so difficult to do, and so easy to screw it up.

- Pride is supposedly next month, not sure when. I gotta find out. Edit - July 17th, a Sunday. Whoops. Not sure if Gean can come down, then.

- I have another medical issue, yay. Hopefully the wound starts to clear up within the week.

- My doggy is doing a lot better! He's pretty much fully healed. I love him so much.

- Not much else is going on...
ethnicroadkill: (Shiva)
It's "7:30 AM and I can't sleep so I'm listening to Utena duel songs and shitposting" time again. I have an appointment later. Still pursuing jobs. That's about all.

Oh oh. I earned $100 total from all the cash I had, and gifted Kay Phantasy Star Collection for GBA plus Phantasy Star IV on Steam, since it isn't on the PS Collection cart. And I got presents.

- FFX|X-2 HD Remaster on Steam
- Bionic Commando Rearmed on Steam
- Phantasy Star II and IV on Steam (Bought for myself)
- Made dinner with my sister
- $20 from my father

I think that's it?? I think I might dip into my $100 a bit more than I already have and buy myself some more aloe lotion, and some sunblock, sunglasses, and a shirt or two since I'm desperate for new shirts. That's hopefully not gonna be over $30?

Miraculous is coming back to Nick during the summer apparently. If I still have cable by then, I'll tune in to support.

My poor doggy got attacked by a mean dog. My dog didn't even do anything wrong! :( I was so mad. His eye was all bruised and he had a scratch that was bleeding, but it's obviously healing to us, and he's doing well. He doesn't even seem to have too much trauma about it for now, which is good.

I ended up unable to complete the second quest in Phantasy Star Generation:2, so I have to start the game over to try again. Currently, I'm waiting on the current expert on the second quest to run some tests on what went wrong. I would really like to confirm it works for myself though, just so there's a person who speaks English as their native tongue to confirm that "Yes, this is how you do this."

I think that is all. Hope you are all doing well.
ethnicroadkill: (Miraculous Ladybug)
Forgot all about this again last week. Whoops.

So, as of this post, I'm 23. Today is my birthday. I don't feel any different. Maybe a bit more confident that I'm making good strides toward getting my shit together. So far, I went to my sister's to make a meal with her (, which we found was delicious. I also got some new shoes and a new pillow(!), some cupcakes, and I happened to get some cash from my "retirement fund" from when I worked at Festival Foods, and some weird refund thing from my old college bank account. It'll keep me going for a little while longer.

As a followup to last post, I discovered that a nurse practitioner can indeed diagnose and disperse meds in Wisconsin, so that's good. Another thing, I'm more or less set for getting back into college. Because I dropped out, I was on academic probation and I was never notified, so when appeals for autumn semester start, I'll have to go through that process. I think I have a good chance of getting in. I need to call the financial aid office and find out how the appeal process/academic probation will work... the explanation I got before was kind of confusing in my opinion.

My sister quit as our mother's in-home caretaker, so I was thinking of signing up to be one but quitting after I have the money to get some bills paid off. I don't want to live with and work for my mother, that sounds like a nightmare in progress. Urgh...

I started working on a walkthrough for Phantasy Star Generation:2. I'm so nearly close to being done with the first half of the game that I can practically taste it, but lord. Walkthrough writing can be so stressful. I go to write up the introduction to the next dungeon and three hours of my day are gone. It's something productive to do though. Others will benefit from it in the end, and this game does have such a dearth of information on it.

Oh! I found an entertainment center in the trash and took it home. It's in pretty good condition, all things considered. I'm sure most of you have seen it already though.

It's really nice. The right half of the entertainment center actually has three shelves, but they're removable, so I took one out and put my little HD TV there. The shelf I took out is underneath my PS3 now.

Oh, I fixed my apostrophe key, kind of. I figured out how the key's scissor mechanism goes on, and I put the "right click menu" key over the apostrophe, then I put the broken apostrophe key over the "right click menu" key and fastened the busted part with some duct tape on the bottom of it. It's so nice now!

Let's see... Miraculous Ladybug is airing again, 8:30 PM EST... on NickToons. Yyyeah. Nickelodeon's "cartoon graveyard." Pretty sure America isn't going to get season 2. Oh well. I binge-watched it on KissCartoon, so I'm all caught up and following the Miraculous subreddit again. (Yes, I use Reddit in addition to Twitch, Twitter, Plurk, and Tumblr. No, I'm not going to tell you my Reddit name. I want to be anonymous on there for now, sorry.)

I'm really sad that the show is being treated like shit in the US, because it's such a wholesome, fun show filling a void that not many other cartoons other than, like... Star vs. the Forces of Evil, I think it's called? (Not counting PowerPuff Girls. Rebooting PowerPuff Girls was a mistake.)

Episode 10 of Drag Race came out, so I should watch that in the morning first thing before going on Twitter. I think that about covers all I've been up to. I'd love to hear from any of you guys--how are you? It's been so long since I've talked to some of you.
ethnicroadkill: (Lightning Farron)
I forgot all about making an entry last week. This one will probably be a bit sappy.

I want to move to a place that's clean and no one yells. Where the TV can be turned down low or off and it can just be quiet. Where I can cook food or clean the kitchen without the stench of urine permeating the room. Somewhere I can really feel home.

There was this gay porn fic (Judge me.) of FFXII that had a line like: "Home is a time, not a place, and time past cannot be returned to." I used to really identify with that quote a lot. (I think Fangu is/was friends with the person who wrote this?) I'm starting to not believe it anymore though. I'm starting to think that I can build my own home and move past all of this bullshit.

I just need to keep moving on and striving to better myself. I'm going to go back to college and take a serious, hard look at my education this time. I'm going to learn how to drive, hopefully find work that doesn't completely suck the life out of me, and I'm going to get medicated for my anxiety--I have an appointment with a nurse practitioner next month! (Which reminds me, I have to be sure I talk to my therapist to be sure a nurse practitioner can both evaluate and disperse meds to me...) It's going to be a teleconference here in town, which seems really modern to me and it's interesting. I just hope there's no lag!

That's all there is. I would post fandom updates and stuff, but I'll save that for either later this week or another entry, so I don't dilute the content of this one.
ethnicroadkill: (Radical Dreamers)
Other gay films that I've watched recently:

- Lilting: In the UK, a man copes with the loss of his boyfriend of four years. He tries to make reparations with his boyfriend's mother, who only speaks Cantonese, but her son wasn't even out to her. It shows how the mother and the man cope with the loss of their dearly departed in unique ways. I couldn't say that I'd watch it again, but I would tentatively recommend it if you'd like sad films.

- Weekend: I feel like this one is more well-known, but in the UK again, Russell meets Glen at a bar and they hook up, but it turns out that Glen is leaving for Oregon and not coming back for at least two years on Monday. They have a weekend together that changes Russ' perspective on how gays are treated and perceived in the UK. There is no fairy tale ending here; Glen still leaves for America, with Russell having only the memories of an unforgettable weekend. It has that kind of bitter, melancholy feeling at the end that I normally love, but this time, I really didn't. Maybe because the source material is too close to home.

- Paris is Burning: A documentary over the course of about five years, about being gay and trans and poor in 1985 to 1990 New York City, and how they cope in the vogue houses. It also talks about many fundamentals of gay culture in anglophone cultures, such as reading and shade.

- The Out List: Documentary. A bunch of LGBT+ celebrities and A-list names talk about what it was like to grow up knowing they were gay or trans, and how the culture is today. It was alright, really low-budget. Most of the money was probably spent on flying everyone in, to be blunt...

- We Were There: A horrifying, realistic documentary about the AIDS epidemic in the 1980's. It really humbled me and sparked my previous post ( on what it was like to live in such a time. It talks about people who grew up in that kind of situation.

- Limited Partnership: Documentary. Heartbreaking film about two men who marry in 1970's America to try and keep one half of the couple, who originals from Australia, here in America. Long story short, his husband stays undocumented for nearly 30 years, the American man dies of lung cancer, and now the Australian is seeking a Green Card as a widower. I wonder how that ended up for him? It's been a few years since this documentary.

- Vito: A documentary on activist Vito Russo's life and accomplishments, namely having written a little book called The Celluloid Closet. I have deep respect for him; that's all I really have to say.

- Bridegroom: Most recently watched just tonight, tells of Thomas Lee's life until his death from his still-surviving other half Shane Crone; Tom's parents forbade Shane from being able to go to his funeral. Their love was something so beautiful and pure and it just wasn't fair that it had to end the way it did. This documentary told me that whenever I find the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, I'm going to be sure to treasure him just as much as Shane and Tom loved each other, and nothing less.

I'm pretty sure that I've exhausted every last non-mediocre and non-horrible gay film and documentary on Netflix, so that's it for me. Ever since I had to sit through the bullshit that was Bear City, I just kind of book it out of a film if it looks like it's shaping up to be shitty.
ethnicroadkill: (Sailor Moon)
I am so blessed to live in the era that I live in now. Discrimination against gays is treated like a real issue. Policemen aren't trying to gun me down because I'm a homo. My friends aren't all dying of AIDS. We have PrEP and Truvada, and equal marriage is valid country-wide. We aren't fully there yet, but someday soon, I know we will be.
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